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Getting kids to talk is a process that starts early and continues for a lifetime. If you push too hard, are too distant, or your child thinks you aren't interested, eventually he will stop trying to reach you. Still, it's never too late to start improving communication. Here's how: First, think of the kinds of things you were interested in when you were your child's age. What were you afraid of and what did adults do that made you angry? What was it about an adult or friend that made you want to tell them your troubles? It's important to value kids' feelings says Adele Faber, co-author of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk (Avon Books). Telling small children that "it's nothing to cry about" isn't the answer. Ask about the problem. Raise your child with the idea that all feelings, happy, sad, or angry, are valued. Empathy opens communication Listen to your child. Parents' natural instinct is to solve a problem. Don't do it, says child psychologist Vivian Friedman of the University of Alabama. Your quick solution cuts off the conversation. Let the child talk. Ask questions that help him explore the issue. Paraphrasing is a good tactic. Repeat the problem and ask if that's what happened. Let him express frustration. Ask why he thinks it happened and what he could have said or done when it happened. Don't criticize or disagree. A kid is more likely to talk to you if he knows you'll be on his side. After hearing him out help him discover what caused a conflict and how it could have been avoided. Give a child your attention. If the phone rings or someone comes to the door, pick up where you left off as soon as possible. Don't pretend to listen while doing something else. If you can't stop to listen now, tell him you have to do this first, but you can talk when you're finished.
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